"Happiness is all in my head... I just gotta find the key." -me.

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I have 19 days, 20 hours, 12 mins, 25 seconds until I see my husband and I get to spend less than three days with him before he leaves for a long while.

"Happiness is all in my head... I just gotta find the key." -me.

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and IT is a fibroadenoma, benign tumor... getting a second opinion just to make sure and will have it removed and biopsied within the next month... thank you to all for supporting me in a moment of mortal fear...

like my wording?? lol I'm just being a dork now.. ^^

I'm happy to know it's not cancerous. That makes all the difference in the world when it runs in the family.

Now to take the wee doggie to the vet for his check up... ^^


THANK YOU ALL ^^

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"Happiness is all in my head... I just gotta find the key." -me.

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An emotion I am not used to experience without my stubborn courage raising me to me feet. I know I should not worry over nothing but the uncertainty of this finding is, I think, worth a little fear of the unknown due to truely not having ANY control over the outcome. I have to trust doctors I have found to be complete morons in other simplier cases. I have faith in my God, that His will is the right, just one, but that does not make me any less afraid of this. I have forgotten how to deal with ailments on my own. I have forgotten what it meant to truely take care of my own soul since letting my husband in.

Now I am left to deal with no shoulder that I can cry on without an inquiry from such persons that would condemn me for needing comfort from whoever could give it. A simple hug would be turned into some disgraceful act against my husband.

No one truely listens in person. Over this computer on which I type my feelings, maybe a response, maybe not. This place to write. I do not care if you like what I say or not. I am free to express here. I am free to worry, to cry, to be afraid. The only place my mind feels safe is in a journal, on computer or on paper. It is better than in my head, to be stored and piled on until the piles fall and my sanity with it.

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I found a lump in my left breast, near the underarm. Small like a pebble, I found it. Cancer runs in the family so I will be checked out later today. I am worried but I will not fall. I refuse. I am scared but alas I do not know how to lie down and surrender to anyone or thing. Cross your fingers for me.. I will keep you posted. ^^

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"Happiness is all in my head... I just gotta find the key." -me.

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I am the black sheep. Born with eyes too wide, a heart too soft, ears that hear a different drum, and a brain that dreams both day and night. Many think me a fool, they scoff at my reckless notions about life and destiny. What they say makes good sense, but I am the black sheep and so I carry on, for the only thing a black sheep is certain of is that you just never know.


- Markus Pierson

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First my then fiance drops the engagement... then I get pregnant by said ex...<< of which I was SOO happy to be pregnant.. >> then I miscarry.. very hard on my heart.. then ex and I back together and get married...<< happy again>> then now husband is deploying... FCK my life this year....
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So my husband is deploying soon.. I'm worrying.. Naturally.. I have to be strong for him but alone at night I cry and pray he comes home safe.. He is my very best friend. None have ever been like him. I've loved none like I love him.

I prayed I didn't get pregnant before he left and my prayer was answered.. now I'm wondering if I should just to have a piece of him. I love him dearly and I know I am strong enough to deal life's curvesballs. I will be strong because I don't know how to just give up. My heart gives up on my brain lol... but I have never given up on living and dealing with the hardships I've had in my life. I hope my dog will be my outlet, my new happiness but so far I am afraid I will rather take out my angst and lonliness on him.

I love this dog though.. He is a pain in the butt but he is the cutest dog and he tries to tell me.. It's all about 'Am I paying attention enough to him to catch his signals?'

Puppies are like human babies. They can't fully tell you they need to go nasty lol.. you have to pay attention to the signals.. babies have different cries. Jett gets in my face until he feels I'm not listening. We're learning each other just as My husband and I were learning each other.

My boys are my love. I am so happy to have my pup but I really want my husband. I feel the universe is working against me this year.. Testing my character and abilities to deal...

I will live...

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"Happiness is all in my head... I just gotta find the key." -me.

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I am the black sheep. Born with eyes too wide, a heart too soft, ears that hear a different drum, and a brain that dreams both day and night. Many think me a fool, they scoff at my reckless notions about life and destiny. What they say makes good sense, but I am the black sheep and so I carry on, for the only thing a black sheep is certain of is that you just never know.


- Markus Pierson

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